What I Don't Remember

   Fifteen years ago today Jesus took my Grandma home. I was there at my grandparents that September day though I don't remember it. Three year old me probably didn't grasp what was going on. But it is what I don't remember that hurts instead of what I do.

  I can see my grandma's influence in my life all around me. I can see her in my mom and my aunts. I can see her in all my family. She created this family. I can feel the love she gave even if I can't remember her touch. I'm living in her legacy. I'm part of her legacy. 

  Yet I know so little about her. Her smile is only in a picture frame. Her voice is only in our home movies. I know how strong her faith in Christ was because my family are witnesses of that faith. But I never got to see it for myself. I lost her love before I got to fully grasp what it was. 

  Have you ever had a word on the tip of your tongue? You know it's there in the back of your mind yet you can't actually form it? That's what my memories feel like from that time when I had my grandma. I have these vague feelings that almost feel like dreams. Dreams that I can never fully recall. I only have the feeling that it was there. Only it wasn't a dream, it was real. 

  I often wonder what she would think if she could see me now. Would she remember the little toddler I was then? Would she love me as fiercely as I imagine she would? What would her hug feel like? What would it be like to hear her laugh with my own ears? 

  It hurts to know so little. It's frustrating to have only a pieces of faded memories. It doesn't seem fair that my older siblings can remember what I can not. If only I could go back to the days she was alive to discover for myself her love and laughter. I've so often have longed to know the love and joy she gave yet it is always beyond my reach, a faded memory teasing my mind. 

  It seems strange that you can miss someone that you never knew.  But I do. Even so, it's more than missing her. It's missing out. And a longing to know. 

    I was named after her and many times I would stare at my name and think about her. Somehow she felt closer when I seen her name within my own. She is a part of me. She's where I came from. She will always be a part of me and who I am.

  Even though it hurts that I never got to really know her I know she's in a better place. I know that she is with Jesus. And because of what Jesus has done, I know we will meet in eternity. 

   In that knowledge I have joy. Fifteen years ago I lost the grandma I would have loved but she gained Jesus and eternity. No more sorrows or pain can reach her there. She has been crowned in glory. Life may hurt but as Christians we know that we have victory. 

  Oh death where is thy sting and grave where is thy victory? 

  Jesus died to wash us of our sins and because He died we can live. My grandma is not dead.She's living. Her life did not end, it only began. 

  And as I live in her legacy I look forward to meeting her face to face one day. 

  Keep on singing, Jesus loves you. Don't let anything ever steal your joy and peace in Christ. 

  Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. 

  Damara Nancy